Why do I believe what I believe? Sometimes I think I ask myself that question too many times. In my life I have experienced quite a few ups and downs of both doubt and belief. Sometimes I feel like a doubting Thomas, wondering whether I can really trust Jesus at His Word, and other times I feel like a Paul, ready to give my life over to the calling of missions, no matter the cost to myself. But at this point in my life, I begin to realize that no matter how far I may stray from God, like a lost sheep, I know that He will always continue to search me out and lead me back to his pasture. So in all honesty, it's really hard to say "why" I believe what I do. To tell you that, I would really have to tell you my whole life story, and how God has been faithful to me at all times in life. Let me instead tell you about my experience with running and how it is like a parallel to my spiritual walk.

                  Let me start off by saying that running has been a huge part of life, and it makes a really close spiritual parallel to my faith as well. There are many reasons why I love running, way too many to explain them all. Some of the most important reasons are that it helps me to be a better person and it makes me unique as an individual. It has also helped me bond and become part of a family and a team and it continues to teach me about self-discipline, hard work, and accomplishing something significant in life. 

                I always call myself a "runner," but unfortunately that doesn't mean I always act like one. There was one point during my senior year in high school when I had really started to drop the ball. It had gotten to the point where I quit the track team and was only running occasionally on my own. Basically I had hit an all time low because I had started to not care enough to work at it anymore. And then I remember thinking about all the dreams and running goals that I've had over the years, all the accomplishments, all the memories, all my teammates and friends, and I realized how much I was giving up. It was almost like coming alive again, re-awakening to my first dream. It was sort of like a second conversion or a rededication of my life. It was because of this experience that I eventually joined the team again and then later on broke the school record in both the mile and two-mile races.

                Like I said, running for me has been a direct parallel to my spiritual life. In the same way that I've always called myself a "runner," I know and believe that I am a Christian too. And although I do know and believe in Christ I haven't always acted like it. I had at my first year at college a "rededication" or rebirth to my first love, Jesus Christ. I had clearly started to wander away from God and considered making plans that would have hindered my growth and maturation as a Christian. Thankfully God has intervened in my life and now I am ready to do big things for God, to serve Him with all my life.

Thanks to everyone who has been faithfully prayed and sent support!! I am happy to say that I have received almost half of the total in both donations and pledges!! According to the last update you all have donated a total of $2800 and pledged $1650, so the total is $4450.00.

There's still a lot of preparation to get reading for living in Africa come September, and we continue to get new team members all the time. I hope that you would pray for all the First Year Missionaries that are travelling to all sorts of different countries this September as we all prepare our hearts for kingdom service. Besides South Africa, which is where I am going, there are also teams for Swaziland, Kenya, Nicaragua, Peru, Thailand, India, and here in the US, as well as many more trips all over the world. It's really amazing to see the work that God's doing all around us, and I'm excited for all of you who have chosen to join His ongoing work.

Again, I want to thank everyone who has prayed for me as I prepare for work this summer, I have found a job and will probably be starting that soon. Continue to pray that more hearts would be stirred this summer to the calling for missions and and missions support. God bless!

Romans 8: 23-27- "Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."

                I was reading through this passage recently, and I had to stop and think about what it's really talking about. I guess I thought it was just about the Holy Spirit interceding for us when we don't know what to say. But really it has to do more with our present sufferings in this life and our on-going redemption through the Holy Spirit, while we wait for the final work to be completed. The preceding verses talk about the suffering of the creation, while it's waiting to be recreated. And this part continues talking about the suffering we face as believers. But I think it's also part of a transition into the next passage, which is one of my most favorite parts of scriptures, verses 28 through 39. This next passage is where it talks about all things working for the good of those that love God and that nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus (39-39). And while these passages can be very uplifting, I've been thinking more recently about the suffering that we must face in this life, and the tools that God gives us to combat our pains.

My own personal brokenness has had a lot to do with the sufferings of others around me. For example, I recently heard about some real life stories about people living through war, rape, and murder, and I am forced to think about the imperfections and sin that are still very present in this world. And it also came to me that the same sin that is present in those people "out there" committing atrocities is also a part of me. I was deeply afflicted by the realization of the affects of sin. I realized once again that I am far from perfect, and I have a long way to go before I can be free to love with a perfect sinless kind of love. It was at this time that I also became very emotionally distraught. I could not and did not want to find any words to pray or speak about it. It was pain, but it was a healing type of pain, too. This is what is meant by the passage when it talks about "the Spirit helps us in our weaknesses. We do not know what we aught to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. (8:26)" Thankfully that is why God has given us his spirit, who works both as a deposit and a guarantee that we will one day be free from the imperfections of this life.

As hard as it may be I think we all need to be exposed in this way to the suffering of the world around us. We should urgently ask God to reveal how he sees the world, so that we might learn to see the way he does. Hopefully by exposing ourselves to the needs of those around us, we will learn to hate the consequences of sin as God does. And then eventually we will learn to love like God does. Pain and suffering are not easy things to go through at the time, but it is through suffering that God teaches the most important lessons.

I heard a story once about a performer, an acrobat actually: a tightrope walker. He was looking for a new and exciting challenge to his usual routine, and so he travels to Niagara Falls for a very special demonstration. The crowd gathers to watch the spectacular feet. He would actually cross the falls on a tightrope! He sets up, slowly and carefully. The crowd then watches in amazement as he confidently walks across. The next day he returns for another showing of this amazing feet, only this time, there would be another added bonus. He would walk a wheelbarrow across, carrying a tiny little kitten inside. He asks the crowd, "How many of you think I can carry this little kitten across?" The crowd cheers in excitement, and he walks it across without the slightest hesitation. The last day of the routine he decided to do something very special. Before walking across the falls, he again asks the crowd "how many of you think I can carry this little kitten across?" The crowd tells him that they've already seen that, and they want to see something new. And so he then asks them, "How many of you think I can carry across a person in this wheelbarrow?" The crowd cheers wildly in amazement. What a surprise, what a delight: they would be witness to this most spectacular feat! Seeing the crowd's excitement, he asks, "Do we have any volunteers?" And then the crowd suddenly goes silent. They start looking around at each other. "Who will go?" they all ask themselves. But no one would go. They all trusted in the acrobat's abilities, but none of them had the faith to act on it.

I liken this story to my own faith, much of the time. I am sure you can agree with me, it is easy to say that God is all-powerful and so he will surely take care of all our needs. But it's quite a different story to actually step out and act on that faith. And it's not as if we are automatically given this faith when we initially believe in God. The first act of trusting in Jesus' death to cover our sins is just that: the first step, of a greater journey. It's not enough to have saving faith, although that is important. Trusting in God as one's savior doesn't mean you trust him enough to live as Jesus did. For example, I think of Jonah, who believed in God, but did not truly trust in His wisdom, and so he tried to take matters into his own hands. After he runs away from his calling to preach in Nineveh, God gives Jonah a big time-out to think about his faith (I picture Jonah sitting inside a fish thinking about what went wrong). Jonah eventually realizes his own lack of faith and calls out to God in humility, proclaiming that "Salvation comes from the Lord" -Jonah 2:9.

The beautiful thing about faith is that God is always willing to work with us, wherever we're at in life. God will never of ask us more than we are capable of doing. He might ask us more than we are comfortable doing, and we can always refuse to have faith in God. Even after Jonah repents of his sin and finally decides to preach to Nineveh, we later learn that he becomes angry when God decides to forgive them. In a puff of self-righteousness Jonah gets mad at God for forgiving the wickedness of a truly evil city. Despite Jonah's lack of faith, we learn from the book of Nahum that God does eventually punish the Ninevites for their evil, but in His great mercy God chose to offer them the chance to repent first. Jonah, just like the rest of mankind, is not able to see all of God's purposes and plans. But it is by faith and not by sight that we can answer the call to do God's will.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that the only way to make faith grow is to put it to the test. Faith does not grow by reading books or by studying theology. Although studying about God is important because that creates the foundation for your knowledge and your beliefs. But once you have laid down the foundation, the only way to make it grow is to put it "through the fire" of real experiences. Faith in God is really just the same as any other relationship: it begins with knowing and believing in each other, forming friendship and trust. But the strongest relationships are those that stick together even through the hardest of times. Every new challenge is an opportunity for growth.