Do you ever feel like you're going through the motions in your walk with God? Like you read your Bible because you have to, and pray because you feel like you should?
It seems to me like whenever I try to do what's right in my own strength, I end up failing. Sure I could commit to reading the Bible every day or waking up really early to pray and do Bible study. But I've learned time and time again that if my heart is not in it, then I don't get much out of it. I go through the motions. So what are we supposed to do?
You know what I think? I think we really need to stop trying so hard. We need to stop forcing ourselves to pray and read the Bible simply because "it's the right thing to do." I think that God is patient with us, and would rather hear our complaints and excuses then to hear us try to do things on our own and fail. I'm not saying we should be deliberately give up just because it's hard. What I am saying is that we need to be real with God. Talk to God and be honest. There are numerous examples in the Psalms when David cries out with brutal honesty about his fears, his lack of trust, or the terrible life situations he is going through. And you know what? God never rebuked David for his lack of faith. God was there even more in the moments when he lacked faith, because when we are weak, he is stronger. When we realize that we cannot do things on our own, we learn to trust more in God. That is perhaps why David was one of the greatest kings of Israel, because he was real with God, and it made a difference in his life.
Let's just look at another case example from Scripture to better illustrate what I mean. Not too long after Jesus had risen from the dead and the Apostles started preaching in Jerusalem there were people given over everything they owned so that they might serve God better (no one was ever asked to give up anything). And this couple, Ananias and Sapphira, for whatever reason also decided it would be a good idea to sell their possessions but keep some of the money back. God decides to do something about it, and their punishment was swift: the both of them fell over dead immediately after being accused by Peter.
So what's the point of this little story? The point is God doesn't need our money, or our prayers, or anything else from us. The one thing God wants is the one thing we most loathe to give away: our hearts! Just think what a change it would make in our lives if instead of having to wake up early to pray to God we actually wanted to wake up early to meet with Him. Or if instead of having to tithe our 10% "duty", we gave whatever was in our hearts to give?
Why do you think Jesus said that the greatest commandment is simply to love?
My challenge to each and every one of you reading this, the next time you talk to God, don't just follow the same old pattern of "dear heavenly father, bless me, and help them, and thanks for food and shelter, amen." Why not actually talk to Him like he's actually there listening to you? Read the Bible as if he's actually speaking to you. Make it personal. Journal if it's easier for you, but express to God what you're actually feeling. Let God into your heart, because the real source of change is not actually us, but it is God working in us, from the inside-out.
So I guess with this blog I want to officially announce a new beginning in my life. I've been hoome from Africa for only about 4 and a half months. It's crazy, because sometimes the experiences we had are so clearly remembered I would think they happened just yesterday. And other times it's like it was forever ago. I do miss living in such an awesome and challenging place, and I will always remember Africa as one of the greatest influences on my life. But now I back home again, and struggling to get on with life. It's so different when you know you're living as a missionary, and when you come back to the US.
Yeah I guess we sometimes think that in order to be a missionary you have to live in a jungle somewhere where there are no Christians and walk around in khaki pants learning tribal languages...One of my most important lessons from Africa is that you don't have to be in the middle of the jungle to be a missionary. In fact, my time in Africa showed that their culture is actually not so different from ours. They struggle with questions about their faith, living out the commands of the Bible, and sharing their faith with others, just like we do in America. So what does it look like to be a missionary to ones' own culture? That is the questions I keep asking myself over and over again.
A part of me wants to simply fall back into prior habits of conformity, quietness and maintaining the status quo. Another part of me believes that I should "be intentional" wherever I go. Kind of like pretending like I'm in some the jungle where nobody knows God, and I am their only hope. Maybe being a missionary simply means following the Spirit's leading, and allowing him to use me wherever I go. I honestly don't know. All I know is that today I am not the same person I was when I left for Africa one year ago. And I know it will be hard, but this coming year I also want God to do amazing things in my life. Africa or America. "jungle" or city. missionary or student. Jesus, take me as I am, and use me for your glory.
This following "post" I actually wrote back in November of 2007 on my facebook account, and I've just gotten back to re-reading it. A lot of this stuff I personally experienced during my time in Africa, and I wanted to share it with you all, it's about discipleship, and Jesus' method of bringing sheep into the fold; I hope you enjoy:
I've been reading this book called The Making of a Disciple by Keith Phillips, and I highly recommend it to anyone who has a heart for ministering and discipling others. It's really starting to become my own conviction in life to disciple others in Christ, even in full-time ministry somewhere. To become a disciple means more than to become a Christian. One can easily claim to "have Jesus in their heart," but a rare few of those ever learn to actually follow Jesus. This following is what being a disciple is all about. Jesus's first command to the twelve disciples was not "go and preach to all the nations," it was simply "follow me." Anyone who was willing to leave his job, his family, his home began the long process of following Jesus, and not all of them made it. Indeed even one of the twelve betrayed him.
Those who did stay with Jesus, and later became his apostles, his witnesses to the world, they were not special because they were well-educated. If God wanted well-educated people he would have called the Pharisees. They weren't rich, or well-known, or even especially faithful when they started. They were called because they were obedient to him. They followed him. No matter what they had to give up, or what sins they had to repent of, they obeyed. Just look at the life of Peter. He had to change from being self-righteous and over-confident, to where God could use him to serve. God even used the experience of Peter's denial to change him into a humble servant. "Just as the son of man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." And when Jesus reinstates Peter, he says to him in John 21:18-19 "I tell you the truth, when you were youngeryou dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go...Follow me!" Jesus was trying to make a point here, he was telling Peter that it's more important that you be humble and listen to what I tell you, then for you to try to earn your own salvation.
A true disciple, a true "leader," as Jesus put it, is someone who first of all sumbits to God, then secondly, becomes a servent to others. How do you actually submit to God? What does that mean? It means that whatever it is that's more important to you than God must be abandoned, and given to God. Paul said: "whatever was to my profit I now consider a loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things" Philippians 3:7 Basically, the disciple must become like Christ in all things. Paul makes an astounding claim that we must actually crucify ourselves, that Christ might dwell in us fully. For all intents and purposes we have become dead people walking around. We are corpses for Christ, but he doesn't leave us that way. The sooner we abandom any claim on our lives, and our time on this earth, the sooner he begin a new work in you. (Galations 2:20, Romans 6, Romans 12:1-2) What is the work that God wants us to do? Like I've been saying, first and foremost he wants to transform you into Christ's image. To made like Christ in death, and thereby like him in life as well. Becoming a Christian is not about what you do, but who you are. God wants your hearts first.
What does God want you to do once you have put yourself to death? Listen to the words of the Great Commission again, and think about them: "Therefore go and make disciples of all the nations." He didn't say go and make converts, he didn't even say go and make Christians, he said make disciples, or better understood, followers. And how does one learn to follow Christ? They must know Christ in order to become like him, so the only way for them to learn is to be around Christians. This is a serious matter, because it's not just about telling them the gospel, it's about teaching, correcting, rebuking, training in righteousness. Jesus spent 3 years with his disciples, and they still weren't quite perfect. How much longer must be bear with one another in teaching young Christians. Paul states that "though there are 10 thousand guardians in Christ, there are not many fathers."-I Corinthians 4:15. Most people don't have someone to personally teach them and help them grow in Christ. Paul was a father to the churches he planted. He did not simply preach a sermon, and then leave them. No, but he persevered and did not stop until they were spiritually mature themselves, and able to teach others. Paul loves with an intense love for all of his spiritual "children," and he truly suffered and bled for many of them. Just skimming through the Bible, it's hard to miss the intensity with which he cared for his flock of wandering sheep. A few verses: Colossions 1:28-29, II Corinthians 11:29, I Thessalonians 2:17-20, and many more.
The thing to remember is that discipleship is God's chosen way of leading other into the family of God. Evangelism does a great work in making people familiar with God, but often leaves young Christians too weak to care for themselves, and dissolustioned with the church that virtually abandoned them after their conversion. Sure it looks good to be able to say that we have brought thousands to saving knowlege of Christ, but how many of them have gone on to become faithful followers, even able to spread the gospel to others. You see, then, that the proof is not in how many spiriual children you create, it's about how many grand-children and great-grand-children, that's the proof in the pudding right there. Remember Jesus spent 3 years with his disciples, day and night, they really never left him, and he was the son of God! How much longer does it take for us to teach and build up others in Christ?
If you remember only one thing from all I've said here, remember this: The best way to spread the gospel is not reaching thousands year after year who eventually lose faith and fall away. If we can only reach and truly teach 1 person every year, though it may start out slow, the numbers grow exponentially. for anyone that knows a little math, it's sort of like looking at linear graphs and exponential graphs: the linear graph starts out above the exponential, but the exponential grows slowly and eventually overtakes the linear graph. So too, reaching only 1 or 2 people every year, you will eventually reach more people than the evangelist who saves thousands year after year!! This is because every person you reach out to disciple will be able to continue the work as well. The numbers grow quickly...1,2, 4, 8, 16, 32, 64, 128, 256, 512, 1024, 2048, 4096, 8192, 16384, 32768, 65536, 131072...
That is God's chosen way to reach the world. Don't let yourself believe that you have to be a preacher or a pastor to spread God's word. You are God's messengers! "Go and make disciples of all the nations!"
Well I had I figured that when I got back home April 30th, it would be the last time I would ever seen any of my AIM friends. But God has given me this extra special blessing of being able to come to the "final debrief" for the Jeffrey's Bay and Swaziland teams. Let me explain: on my last flight back home April 30th, there was an overbooking, so they offered a $400 voucher to anyone who would take a later flight, which I decided to take, and now here I am today in Atlanta, free of cost!
It has been such a blessing to get to see people one last time. We knew back in January when we were first splitting into our three teams that some of us may not make it to the end, some of us may go home early, or stay in Africa longer, so it could have been the "last goodbye." I guess I never expected I would be one of the people to not make it, so it was definitely a shock thinking I'd never see some of my team-mates again. But here I am!
Praise God that he is good, I get the opportunity to be united with the full team (minus Port Elizabeth's) one last time. It wasn't easy coming back here knowing I'm just going to have to say goodbye again, but I do think it was good to finally have that "closure," knowing that this trip is over for everyone. Maybe it's just a part of readjusting to normal life, part of the transition into America, I don't really know. But it feels good going into the next stage of my life, I feel more ready, more determined to step forward.
As Tag talked about for our last session together, we all have changed a great deal because of this trip, we have started out on a new path. The real challenge now, the reason we did all this, is so that we can walk in that path. Pray for me, and for all of team-mates, that we might be able to do just that. America here we come!
Well for those of you still out of the loop of information (which could be most of you, since I haven't written here in awhile), me and the Port Elizabeth team have now left South Africa, and we're spending one last day together in Georgia, to kind of "debrief" and talk about our crazy experiences, life lessons, and get ready for the reverse culture shock of returning to the USA.
Even already we all feel so overwhelmed by the change that we are about to experience. We all knew that going to live in Africa was going to "change our lives," but I don't think anyone really understood what a changed life might look like. We spent a lot of our travel time together reminiscing about stuff in Africa, sometimes laughing sometimes crying. It was tough to say goodbye, I think we all cried when some of our church family woke up early to send us off in PE. Since then we've struggled to grasp the idea that we may never see these people again, and what hurts even more, is that very soon we will say goodbye to our team-mates for the last time as well. Despite having the past week to write each other notes of encouragement, to say everything that nees to be said, and hug everyone as much as possible, it doesn't make the final goodbye any easier. We are seriously and truly a family of believers here in PE, and it feels like our family is all being ripped away from us.
But we all know that God is still with each and everyone one of us, and we have hope, because we know that God is greater than any barrier of distance or time. One day we will all be together again in glory, and perhaps then we can understand why God brought us through such a difficult time together. It's not for us to know the answers now. But now is the time for us to have faith.
I'm pretty tired from all this travelling, and I'm not even done yet. But I have a quick two hour flight back to Rochester tomorrow! Then I can finally just crash and let things sink in for good. I hope that even though this trip and missions experience may be over, you will all still keep in touch and look out for more updates. I guess I get to keep this blog page, so I'm sure I'll continue to use it for whatever journeys God has for me next. Until then, God bless, and thanks to you all for reading, praying, supporting, or even just thinking of our team! I love you all and I'll be home soon!
It's really hard for me to explain in full detail what I'm going to say. But it's been decided that it is time for our Port Elizabeth team to go home. I'm sure if you've been following this blog you've heard some of the hardship we've gone through this semester. Nicole decided first that God was calling her home and we said our goodbyes then. And one week later we found out that Victoria was also ready to go home, and we had to say goodbye again. We thought things were finally getting back to normal, when on April 5th Sarah Buller died very suddenl in a car accident. This was by far the hardest "goodbye" we've had to say yet. We spend one week doing nothing but grieving our loss and trying to hold everything together. Even then the question was being asked "what is our team going to do now?" Can we really bounce back after this incredible loss? We were at a loss then when we heard on April 12th that three more people needed to go home. They were all of them especially close to Sarah and it's understandable they needed to get away from this place. They were not ready to continue their ministry and it was in the best interest of everyone that they left. But one again we were sad and at a complete loss for what to do next. We spent one week with friends in another city to get away from our ministry and just clear our heads and try and get in touch with the Father again. Thanks greatly to the love of Tom and his wife Cindy, who opened their house to us, we have started to feel a little more normal again. We've been worshipping God through all this, and seriously thought about what it that we need to do next. And that's when we remembered that God has been in control of this from beginning to end. It's not as if he was ever unsure of what would happen, or surprized. He knew this and planned it this way. And of course He has a purpose in it. That's why we say that "his ways are higher than our ways, and his thoughts are higher than our thoughts." we can't ever really comprehend why all this happened, but the only thing we can do is to trust in God and praise him through it all. There was a time meant for us to be here in Port Elizabeth, and we did a lot of ministry and hopefully changed some lives in the process. But now God is ready to start something new again. We are all very sad that we have to leave earlier than we had planned. But we are going home joyful that the real purpose behind this trip was accomplished: to make the Father known to everyone that we met! And hopefully that ministry will never come to an end!
One Last Update for everyone still following the tragic accident...
Our team has really been struggling. Honestly it's hard to know how to handle all this. And we don't really know what the next few weeks are going to look like. We do have a lot of help. The church here has taken care of a lot of the details. Yesterday we had a memorial service for everyone here in South Africa to dedicate and celebrate the life of Sarah Buller. As was said many times, she died doing what she loved the most.
But now we are still here and left to pick up the pieces where they have been left. Each one of us is struggling in their own way, I'm sure. So I wanted to ask that if you have committed to praying for this team, to please start praying for all the individuals:
Andrew Anderberg
Kevin King
Sara Patterson
Meghan Jarrell
Leah Rush
Jessica Emerson
Johanna Sharp
Lisa Derrah
and our leaders:
Chelsea Short
Rebecca Arnold
Dee Dee Huey
pray also for the family of Sarah Buller, the church here, and for wisdom in knowing what our team should do next. Thanks so much. This really is our time of need. And we need the strength of the Lord on our side. So unite with us in seeking God in this time. It doesn't matter how far we are away physically, you can make just as much a difference spiritually!
I feel like the question that keeps coming up over and over again is this: "So what are your plans for next year? What are you going to do when you go back home?" Several of my teammates have now started making plans to stay in South Africa indefinitely. One of our leaders is excited that she has got into culinary school next year. Others have internships lined up, or other missions trips. For me, that question has been quite a struggle lately. I'm almost afraid to answer the question, because even if I did know what I wanted to do with my life right now, I will almost undoubtedly change my mind within the next few years anyways. It's hard to be committed absolutely to a life path at this age, and yet there it is, being forced upon me. Do I want to go to college and get a degree in math education? That would leave the most options for the future, and it still leaves me opportunities to return to the mission field somewhere and use my skills to help others learn (and teach).
Two recent events have caused me to rethink this however. First, in a conversation with my teammate Andrew about the future, we were just talking and then he said he got a picture in his head about my future. He said he saw me on the top of a big tower that spirals up, sort of like the Tower of Babel. I don't know how many of you would realize the hidden meaning behind this (as a matter of fact, Andrew didn't either), but to me it meant that I've been trying to reach God of my own efforts, and continuing to fail, because I don't rely completely on God. The story behind this is in Genesis 11 if you don't know it already.
Anyways, this got me thinking quite a bit about myself. And the problem is I knew this was a problem already, and just didn't want to think about it. I am often worrying more about what I should do for God, and not about what God has already done for me. "This is love: not that we have loved God, but that he loved us and sent his son to be an atoning sacrifice for our sins."(1 John 4:10) So I don't know if God wants me to change my actual career path (go to college for math education), or just change the attitude that I approach whatever career path I choose (an attitude of complete surrender to Him). But then a few days later I started to get serious and decided to sit down and pray about it. I told God that whatever he wants me to do, I will do it, because I do believe that his way is the best way. I don't know what prompted me to do this, but I thought to myself, I'll open my Bible and start reading, and if I read a passage about "staying" somewhere, then I would take that to mean God wants me to "stay" with my own plans. And if I read a passage about "moving" somewhere, or going somewhere else, then I would change my plans, and again seek God's will for my future, whatever that might be.
I don't know how many passages there actually are in the Bible that talk about "moving" or "staying," so I kind of figured that it might take awhile. And if I didn't get an answer for awhile, you know, I could always assume it was just up to me to decide. But apparently God didn't want me to get away with that, because the very first passage and the very first verse I read was 1 Samuel 25:1- "Now Samuel died, and all Israel assembled and mourned for him; and they buried him at his home in Ramah. Then David moved down into the Desert of Paran." At this point I'm thinking, okay God, you're actually really serious about this aren't you? This is actually a really big decision for me, and I don't take it lightly at all. I genuinely want to follow God in this, even if it's hard. It would mean taking a big risk in my life, but risk is always necessary for growth and learning.
I haven't yet received any of kind of revelation about what I should do. Until recently, I haven't seriously considered any other options. So basically I'm asking that people would be praying for me. Our spring break starts at the end of next week, and I'll be spending time then praying and fasting over this as well. And thank you in advance for all your prayers, they are much appreciated!
So I shared with some of the youth this past Wednesday on the topic of Knowing God, and I just wanted a brief explanation here as well, just incase anyone is interested in reading it. The youth really seemed to enjoy it, and I feel that in many ways "knowing God" is the key to changed lives. To quote one of the books we read last semester: "to be in the presence of God is to change."
I started off by showing them the above video, to get them thinking about how great out God truly is. And then for a discussion starter, I opened with the question: "how do you see God changing lives today? How has he changed your life and how has he changed others around you?" Obviously there were a lot of different answers, but I remember them saying "surrender" and giving control over to Him was big.
I talked about four different ways that God rejects us for trying to come to Him: the Pharisees, who who were all about finding knowledge about God, but never knew Him personally or obeyed the commandments; the Zealots, who passionately "served" God, according to their own ideas, but never discerned what God's heart really was; Old Testament Israel, which always saught to distance themselves from God by having a king, or a priest, or some other "mediator" between them and God; and finally The Rich Young Ruler, who represents everyone who lets their material or worldly possessions or ambitions get in the way of truly "following Jesus."
Each of the Biblical examples I tried to give examples of how we tend to do the same things today. We are very similar to the Pharisees when we seek first after knowledge about God as if that was the most important thing that mattered. The end result for them was not to cry outin worship of the mighty Creator, but to take pride in their high positions and their superior theologies. I think Jesus message to them was clear throughout the New Testament: "Not everyone who cries 'Lord, Lord' will enter the kingdom of heaven...away from me you evildoers, I NEVER KNEW YOU."-Matthew 7:21-23. I think that God does want us to know about Him, but more important than knowing about Him, is simply to know Him. Like, for example, how much do you think it would help you to know all about your husband or wife: you know their height, weight, looks, eye color, skin color, birthmarks, how they walk, how they smell, and how they talk, but you've never spoken to them before. Is that kind of knowledge "about" them really going to help you "know" them? I also had the kids read Jeremiah 9:23-23, John 17:3, and Philippians 3:8-9
The example of the Zealots in the New Testament can be related to Christians today in many ways as well. Like the Pharisees they tend to take pride in what they have accomplished for God. They have big dreams and plans, and work hard at accomplishing them, but they are not motivated by a love for God, but by their own desires. I gave them a quote from Leo Tolstoy: "Everyone thinks of changing humanity and nobody thinks of changing himself." The problem with the Zealots is not their passion or their determination to do what is good, but they need more of God in their personal lives. God is not in the business of chaning men's actions, but he wants to change our hearts, and thereby eventually change how we act. But God always change from the inside-out, not the outside-in. I also had them read Mark 12:30, and John 14:15.
Thirdly, the example of Old Testament Israel, which has to do with those who distance themselves from God. Like for example, in Exodus 20:18-19, the people have just received the Ten Commandments, and they have seen God's presence over the mountain in fire and smoke and lightning, and they were afraid. And of course God is someone that we must not take lightly. For He is a mighty and jealous God, but he is also a loving and compassionate God. The problem comes when they become so afraid of God that they no longer come before Him at all, but rather they ask Moses to be their "mediator." And I think that a lot of the time we do the same thing today when we keep God at a distance and stop getting to Know Him personally. We can do that through reading stories about other believers, reading devotionals, even just reading the Bible, but never seeking after a personal relationship with God (just meditating on how others have lived). Or maybe when problems arise in your life you turn first to other things or other people, and you are not seeking the face of God for guidance and help. We looked also at the story of Israel asking for a king, 1 Samuel 8:6-9.
Finally there is the story of the rich young ruler, Matthew 19:16-26, which represents all the times we are weighed down from following Jesus because of material or worldly things or people. This is perhaps one of the easiest traps to fall into: when we begin making excuses and allowing ourselves to be distracted by the world, so that we never really become a discples of Jesus. The only thing that Jesus asked of the man was to "go and sell all your possessions so you can come follow me" (in my own words). There is a quote that I think really speaks to this situation perfectly: "He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose." Why does the man walk away saddened? Because he allowed himself to be distracted by the calling of the world: "build up wealth for yourself; eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die." And it's easy for us in the same way to answer any number of "worldly callings" before we answer Jesus calling: whether it be success in this life, or making a family, or fixing up your life first, Jesus calling should override all others. We read Matthew 4:18-20, when Jesus calls his disciples, his does not want us to hesitate, but to drop everything else, and start trusting God by following him daily.
We talked a little bit about the right response at the end, but basically I want to say I don't have any perfect "3 step" process to get to know God. He gets to know everyone in a unique way and so I can't honestly tell you how to do it. I want to emphasize also that there is nothing wrong with learning about God, or serving God or God using someone else to speak into our lives, it's only when we put these things first that our relationship with God goes bad. When we trade an actual relationship for all these other things, then we don't really experience the awesome presence of God in our lives.
And one last thought: we need to be more desperate for God! God tells us in Deuteronomy 4:29 "you will seek the LORD your God, and you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul." So we must be earnest and desperate for God, or else I think we are only giving Him our half-hearted worship. Francis Chan talks about in his book Crazy Love how his daughter runs to him when he pulls into the driveway after getting home from work and gives him a huge hug, to show how much she loves him. In the same way we ought to be desperate for the God we say we love. Run into His arms.
Some thinking Questions:
Which of the above attitudes most closely resembles yours?
How can you become more desperate for Jesus?
Do you need to lay something down that distracts you or prevents you from trusting in Jesus fully?
Do you need to have a revelation of who God is: learn about His amazing love, experience his saving grace, the beauty of his creation?
Do you joyfully love others out of the love you have for God? or is it sometimes forced and difficult?
Do you feel like God is distant and he is not really listening? Read 1 Kings 19:11-13, and really try to listen to God's whispering voice!
Okay so for the past 4 weeks a group of us has been working on what we call a dryme (it's a skit or drama set to a song). We've been teaching some of the youth from a church here in Port Elizabeth, and just this past Sunday was the first performace. I just wanted to share with you all back at home, it was really impactful to me; even though I saw it probably like 200 times over the past 4 weeks, it still gives me chills every time.
